Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them