Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.