Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

next question.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.