Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

😭🤣

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.