Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

I love the National Park Service.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.