Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1642142507453538304/pu/vid/576x1024/DIvHcQfSt9Xse9MV.mp4?tag=12

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}