Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

oh she’s cooked

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.