Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

This hospital has everything

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

The Struggle

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

first you must answer his riddles

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.