Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.

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Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha

Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup


I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.


I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.


I’d love to change the world. But I don’t think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.


lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died


Them: why are you wearing a cape?

Me: i feel naked without it

Them: you are naked

Me: no, i’m wearing my cape


Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell “KARATE!”.


13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday


I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…


A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered