WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
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9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro