WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
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[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.