[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
The answer is funnier than the question
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today