[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
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I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
i think we should see other cousins
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
me 2 months after i graduated
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.