Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me My dog

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

Good morning

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.