[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
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That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE