[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
You Might Also Like
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Brands during Pride
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.