Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Good boy 😂😂

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.