Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that