Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

Me too 😆

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”