Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Saw this yesterday lol

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.