Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.