Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.