Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

Toxic snake

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

What’s a Messi?

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler