weddings should have a worst man
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My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues