weddings should have a worst man
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”