weddings should have a worst man
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*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
