Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.