Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Put the is in disheveled

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard