Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Namaste

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS