Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
aura
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Some people were born into their job.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.