Wednesday
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FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times