Wednesday
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I’m Sold!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Close call…
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell