Wednesday
You Might Also Like
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
You had me at “define legal”.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.