Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service