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I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why