*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
This pepper has seen some shit
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.