Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
You Might Also Like
Probably my best painting.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.