Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

😉

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.