Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home