Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
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We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
what it’s like dating me:
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
what does he know…
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef