Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

“How’s your day going?”