Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.