Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
🤣🤣
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.