Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

Before crowbars crows drank alone

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done