[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
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I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Happy Halloween 🎃
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time