[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
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Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name