[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.