Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead