Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

Camping tip: No.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Kids, do not try this at home!

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.