“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.