Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

Interior design 👌

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real