“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
You Might Also Like
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner