“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
The Struggle
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem