Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!