Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
why isn’t he texting back
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.