Weighing up my bread heating options
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Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day