Weighing up my bread heating options
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It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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Me: Same
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
a god among men
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine