Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
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Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
“Worm Regards”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
The only equipped I am is ill.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.