Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.