Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
In space, no one can hear…
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.