Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
181.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
yeah 😭
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven