*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?