*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Story of my life…..
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.