*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
That’s no pocket rocket.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.