*weighs self after shaving
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
bags with threatening auras
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
A small tragedy.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container