*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Generation gap…
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”