Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.