Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

did it work

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.