*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Wikigenius
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets