WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it