WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
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Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.