WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
You Might Also Like
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Saw online –
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.